Broken hearts and broken bones.

I sometimes find it irresistible to not get all hot-headed about plain and simple bullshit that I encounter and believe me – I encounter a lot of it.  Whether I encounter it via a physical, verbal, or in the form of media, it gets me riled.

Without further ado, I shall expose you to this spectacle. Let me just ask you some simple questions first:

Have you recently gotten over a break up? Date which was full of prospects gone wrong? Finding it hard to cope? Well don’t you worry your little cotton socks. Our friends at match.com have devised a list of things to do to get you back on the lover’s steed, and back out there (or in there, should I say *fnar*). Do these things and you will be visualising a future of shitty nappies and sick-covered cream carpets, alongside the sound of little feet tapping along the ground in no time..

Simply carry out these tasks and you’ll be fine:

127037-breakup-guide_him_v3

(Source: http://blog.match.com/2012/12/10/the-guide-to-getting-over-her/)

Should you read the above boxes, you will of course come to learn that I was being deeply sarcastic. This fresh hell is quite truly one of the most hilarious, pseudo-sanctimonious pieces of god-awful shit that I have ever come across. I could just stop right here because this speaks for itself, but I believe this needs to be probed.

A few fundamental things can be acquired from this picture. Firstly, if you’re in your 40s, sorry! You’re lacking in vital amino acids, especially after your break up – get glugging that vitamin C. Throw in some D as well, because you’re evidently in the house too much, away from sunlight, you ancient bastard.

40 or 50? That means you’re unfit, and fat. Get on a work-out and start eating properly. No wonder she left you. Tubby.

If you’re 30, she left you because your taste in cinema is that of a mainstream bell-end. Be more Shoreditch and go and see a film entirely in a language you don’t understand. But of course that doesn’t matter. It’s indie. That’s what’ll get you the woman.

20 years old? You workshy bastard. Get out to more ‘hip’ clubs, no we aren’t referring to you 30 and 40 year olds – we mean where the young kids go. Jump out of a fucking plane as well Mr. 20-year-old. Your masculine show of steel balls will have her drooling all over your bits again before you can say ‘Vegas, Baby!’

I could go on about this for weeks. Literally.

Are you female? Feeling lost after your break up and don’t know what to do apart from eat ice cream and act like Bridget Jones? Not my words! After all: “Women are more likely to mourn their breakup by comforting themselves with food (22%) or by holing up at home on the couch and watching TV (22%)”. (Source: match.com).

Don’t worry yourself treacle, you little hormone packet. The great people of the online dating world have produced a ‘how to sort your pathetic life out’ poster for you too! No more pralines and cream Häagen-Dazs for you!

127037-breakup-guide_her_v3

(Source: http://blog.match.com/2012/12/10/the-guide-to-getting-over-her/)

Here we see the same sort of advice again. 40 or 50 years old? You’ve lost it. Your skin resembles a bruised peach and you resemble a crazy lady with 50 cats. Go and get your hair chopped off, you waster. You know why your man left you? It’s because you eat cooked food. Eat some sushi with your mates, the foul stench of rotten salmon eyes will have his testosterone busting out from his seams.

Here’s one of the most hilarious bits of advice ever. If you’re 20 years old, the way to get over the man who just left you is by changing from a Cosmo to a Slippery Nipple. It’ll make you ooze attractive, and then you’ll have all the men to choose from!

Are you over 59? Sorry, you’re about as romantic as a corpse. Give up. No hope for you. I’d say close the door on your way out, but according to match.com, you will have no energy to do it, you sack of bones.

How an internet dating website can tell people, specifically people in certain age brackets, how to get over someone is ludicrous. I guess you could be easily lured into thinking ‘they have the stats; they surely know what people want!’ Just look. Our ‘relationship expert’ is evidently a statistical wizard.

To think that somewhere, someone is getting paid a salary to produce this tripe makes me place my head into my hands and shed a small tear for humanity.

This is purely the most bullshit-riddled thing I have read in the last handful of years. That is why this gets my #1 prize, and is my first main post. I would go on and write thousands of words but it is half 10 at night, and I’m in my 20’s – I have to go bungee jump and have a round of fantasy football with my guy friends who I haven’t seen in a while.

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